I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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