I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
