Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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