question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
