ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
