My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
