she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
3pm strippers are depressing
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
