You smell like a Billy Joel song
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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