I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
