i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Everclear isn't food dammit
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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