thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I want her autograph on my taint
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
