Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
