Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
