she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
