Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
