oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
