if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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