Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
We had sex on a dog bed..
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
