You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
