is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
