where am i from again
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize