White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
