I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize