Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Operation Purity has been aborted
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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