I think I won the penis lottery.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
