and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
