I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
