Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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