he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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