Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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