I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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