I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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