even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
When are your genitals available?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
