My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
