my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
