but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
