do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
