so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Randomize
