under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
