new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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