I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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