I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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