A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
