you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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