I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i love accidental penises.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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