I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Text me some of your sweat
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
