In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
