Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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