Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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