God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
