you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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