I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
