I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
