pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
