dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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