First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
