There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
