She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
