is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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