come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
