Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize