I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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